Logging the Timber of Life

* What might otherwise have been a 7.5 by evening was kept at 8 by a day spent feeling a tightness in the chest (although, please note: BP & heartrate not unusually elevated) - a physical symptom of anxiety and uncomfortable.

** a) work = overwhelming atm, too many overdue reports because I'm so wrung out I can't focus enough, b) can my sternum please untense for five fucking minutes, thank you.

*** As of 9:45, I'm not quick to function today. My to-do list just grows, and I am getting chased for so much stuff at work this week, and I still haven't done the fucking important stuff from my list here, but also it's so nearly August and I have no time and I'm pretty sure I'm nearly at the point of getting panic attacks but also the thought of calling August off for another time terrifies me equally because I have no idea how to even go about that. It's all just fucked.

Day 3 And I'm tense and nervous and I can't relax~~  as the song goes. Rock <.> Hard Place. Also, so many deadlines and things to do in the day job I can't exactly down tools to deal with anything else. Hell, it's 2200h on the dot and I'm just getting dinner out the oven in the next minute. 

Day 4, ~don't touch me I'm a real live wire~~, by which I mean fucking stressed as all fuck and overloaded and overwhelmed and trying to keep the wheels on the car for just a little, liiiittle bit longer.

Day 5: realised I should just edit the times to track when I'm actually doing this because that's a data point and of itself. Also though, I feel like an ostrich, just got my head buried and nothing doing and on one hand I'm partly waiting to be able to get advice from Angus on the testing and actually put together my heating thingy and test that to inform my plans but also it feels like the other part is just if I don't think about August then August won't think about me. Chest tension has eased up at least, for yesterday and today it's more sporadic and not so constant but I'm definitely nearing the point of like, proto-panic attacks? Like, not proper ones but just tiny windows of complete emotional dysregulation because I have zero resilience to deal with even small normal stressors like going through QA about my report for work. I am normally able to approach that with a good mindset after just a quick pass through the comments to get my knee-jerk reaction out the way but certainly this week that hasn't been the case.

18th: AM slot - Wracked with indecision and anxiety about how to spend the most of Saturday, do I work and bull through the fatigue and anxiety or try and relax but probably just delay the hardship and make it worse due to even more limited time? I kinda want to work on my ffxiv t-shirt. I also feel if I can summon the energy to faff with the cricut I ought to be faffing with thermocouples. PM - I faffed with thermocouples, it was not fun, the process is entirely unintuitive and the software even more so, the whole thing took hours just to get stuff installed and I've not even tried calibrating anything or getting data yet. It's all absolute BS, and I do wonder at the prevalence of lab/testing software and equipment that is just incredibly over-engineered at the entry level. I wanted to scream. I did a little tinkering with my t-shirt design ideas after I'd cooked, but I cannot lie I'm definitely tense as all hell and on the brink of rage or floods of tears at any moment which is great fun, who doesn't love violent emotional fluctuations.

19th: Late start because lie in, also because, huzzah, no meds. Prescription re-ordered when I had seven days left, I don't expect to get the refill before Tuesday afternoon which leaves me one dose (today's, that I skipped) so this week will have fucking rough start. Joy. Got ignitor trial wired up, need to buy RCD tomorrow, then try getting the data logging working and test it tomorrow evening after work. I can't get the software sorted tonight because no meds and post-care home visit I'm flagging real hard already so I'm hoping tomorrow is vaguely better. 50/50, skipping a day can often leave me with a sort of energy debt to pay so who knows.

20th: Absolutely drained. The supply debt of neurotransmitters is real. My brain is not happy. It's had today's dose and that is not enough. It insists the debt remains, and I am like a fog-brained zombie as a result. The event app for Fanfest went live tho, and I've put in for all the crafting events and the merchandise stall time slots that I can safely select at this point. The timetable for the first day looks packed! The second day is more chilled and I might leave earlier except the rock concert is on that evening so maybe not. There's a lot of activities available! I'll have to see which aren't very focused on having friends with you, as some of the description are very group-attendee centred but that might well just be the sales pitch and not the reality. Work still hectic, research is mouldering. PM - meds not dispatched, this week will be hellish.

21st: Unmedicated. Slowly crashed yesterday on account of the med-less day >> med day bounced cheque effect. Today, freightliner fully off rail tracks, too tired and foggy to be stressed, or happy, or anything really. So fuzzy brain. Your position is strong if you are strong says my fortune cookie this morning. It lies. Lies and deceit, it was written by a statistician probably.

22nd: Still unmedicated, dying. Bank of Energy says account is massively overdrawn, it's not even 11am and I'm falling asleep at my desk. PM - saw Mathemagician and The Bellringer at GR, had a nice chat with Bellringer and a milkshake, saw Bulterian Matriarch who is much improved from last time, played some games, finally started to imagine light at end of tunnel.

23rd: Miick at testing site v. understanding, work hectic, ran very very late. I survived though! Better days are coming. I hope.

31st: Having returned from Fanfest (a most brilliant weekend!) and got settled back into work, am doing okay. Still need to tie some uni ends off for the August, but it's much more manageable. Tests tentatively re-scheduled for October. Unfortunately, have come down with a stress-cold. The second I slowed up a little, all my deferred payments came due at once, it seems, and I have a cold that isn't a cold, it's just a sort of stress symptom. Still feels shite though. Grandma in rapid decline. Would be feeling more optimistic about recovering my wellbeing and getting back to living more than base survival only, but I don't know how that situation will play out over the next month and it could set me back to square 1 or at least keep me down in early recovery for a while. Also, Möther insists on a) ignoring my personhood/needs (hey, it's 8pm, I'm going to head off home now! Keeps talking at me.) and b) trying to use me as a sort of soundboard or echo chamber to process her emotions and I'm not the keeper of her feelings, I do not enjoy rehashing Grandma's decline and her attitude to life over and over again whenever Möther wants to work on her feelings. But when I repeat that I'm hungry and tired and need to go, it gets miffed surprise, and correcting her that I'm only in the North for the day gets me a 'How am I supposed to know that?!' and shocked Pikachu face - as if the day-trip isn't the same thing I've been doing for over a year already, and as if I hadn't said as much just two days ago! But no, I'm unreasonable or rude or brusque when I refuse to stand around getting vented at whilst [secretly ill,] tired and hungry and already sick of getting pawed at and jumped on by an untrained fucking lunatic dog. Somehow.

1st: Had a long but lovely day up North, was great to see friends again! Felt crap still but was worth ploughing through that to go hang out and try new games! Totally enjoyed it all and was nice to set most worries aside and catch up, shoot the shit and all that with zero worries during the day.

2nd: Also a nice games day and nice to see Cloud doing better, also nice to see Mathemagician enjoying their fave board game! I swear it was harder when we played it that one time via Steam... Tired, have to remember to do uni emails and get groceries tomorrow as have no dinner ingredients etc. left in house now and Sunday hours suck but it was fun and chill. Still feeling blech because of stupid stress cold shite but oh well, worth it to play some games with friends again.

3rd: Still feeling shite physically, can't tell if I have a dental ulcer or a dental abscess and because my throat etc. is such a mess I can't tell if that's the problem more than the ulcer-cess. Had a lazy-ish morning and then the calls started. All I can say is: thank everything and anything for family. The supportive and caring and all-round wonderful human being variety of family. I don't see myself coping a fraction as... adequately if it weren't for the help I'm getting from my family. The next few days could be horrible, I wish I was in a better position physically and mentally to brace for the hardship. I should get the Mind Matters resources off the company intranet.

Things ordered/bought: 

• In-line ignitor switch
• Heating element (small)
• Steel buckets
• Plug end
• Cabling
• RCD
• Voltage regulator unit

Things Done:

• This list & tables
• Agreed email w/JS to ask for battery data
• Looked at length into available dataloggers in UK
• Chatted briefly to Christopheles about wiring up BBQ lighter (or similar) element to plug
• Had intro meeting with detection company who can suggest what they would expect to take a detection method forward in development
• Got DAQ software installed which was a mammoth task in the end, figured out how to install the TCs onto the DAQ at least, and test a signal is received.
• Wire up ignitor
• Email JB re: collab w/ULancsh via DTC's new (battery fires) funded spot
• Turned on ignitor - did not blow up ring circuit
• Call MG, re: site address, dates etc.
• Call AS re: monitoring, SRF bale etc.

Things that need buying/ordering:

• Thermocouple data loggers/DAQ (min. 16 channels, preferably 24+) - Expensive, WISH approval needed
• SRF bale - difficult to source

Things that need doing:

• Wire up microDAQ - also URGENT, now underway but software install alone took hours, idk when I can get the logging side up and running.
• Test ignitor, even just once, to see if it can work
• Decide on ignition method
• Investigate ease of adding FLIR camera to Burn Box
• Sort out van hire and moving of equipment to site
• Wire up DAQs beforehand - label TCs
• Check garage equipment
• Do bucket test with voltage regulator
• Email Gav
• Email form in after
• Revise Tr. Rep.